Random Thoughts

The Stalker - First Draft

2008-01-31T12:36:00.000-05:00

Opening Scene

The main character, Jason, is getting ready for work. At various points, such as while brushing his teeth, we can view a very plain gray car out the window. When he leaves the house, we can see the car as well. Jason then walks to work, and as he walks into the office, the car is there again.

Jason goes to his desk, logs in to his computer, and reads his email, including this one from his boss:

"Jason, we need to discuss why you have missed another deadline. You seem very distracted lately, and I'm concerned about it's effect on your performance. Please come to my office once you get in this morning. Bill"

Jason then goes to the window to see the car still sitting there before walking to the bosses office.

Bill: Jason, good to see you. How's the Jaguar account going?

Jason: I should have it ready by the end of the week.

Bill: Look, Jason, this is the third deadline you've missed. Each time it gets harder to make an excuse. And you seem very distracted lately. What are you looking at?

Jason has started looking out the window. The gray car is still there.

Jason: That car has been following me.

Bill: I know the feeling. Those little box cars are everywhere. [At this point, 3 similar cars all pass by the window]. Are you worried people will no longer buy luxury cars? We've survived market changes before. As long as you can start delivering on time.

Jason: No, it's that one car there. I think someone is out to get me.

Bill: Look, I'm worried about you. Give what you've got on the Jaguar account to Tom, and I want you to take the rest of the week off. You need to take some time to make sure you still want this job.

Jason: OK. I'll do that.

Jason then walks out, goes to his desk, and types something out, while stopping twice to check if the car is still there.

Jason: [During typing] Good luck with this project, Tom.

Jason then pulls out his cell phone, and makes a call.

Jason: Hey Tina, lets do lunch. [unheard reply] Yeah, I've got plenty of time, I'll tell you all about it over lunch. [unheard reply, then hanging up the phone.]

Jason walks out of the office, and starts heading for lunch. The gray car follows behind, and every time Jason stops to look, the car stops and there appears there's no one in the car.

Jason arrives at the restaurant, and greets Tina with a hesitant hug.

Tina: So how come you suddenly has time for lunch? I was starting to think you did not want to see me anymore.

Jason: I've been so distracted by that stupid Kia following me that I can't even do my job any more. My boss placed me on leave for the rest of the week.

Tina: I can't believe you think is personal. Just because you see those cars everywhere does not mean it's something personal.

[At this point, 3 similar cars go past to prove Tina's point.]

Jason: You don't understand, it was literally following me down the street.

Tina: Look, we've talked about this before, and I have to stop you right here. If you don't go get help with this problem, I don't think we can date any more. [Tina starts to tear up.] I care about you, but I can't go on like this. Call me after you see a psychiatrist.

Tina gets up to leave. Jason gets up, leaves money for the check, and dejectedly walks home. The gray car follows him at the same pace.

Jason walks in the house, and slams the door. The phone rings.

Jason: Hello. [unheard reply] No, I gave Tom everything I had so far. [unheard angry reply] I see. [pause] No, just send my last check by direct deposit. [hangs up during an angry reply].

Jason looks out the window. The car is there as usual.

Jason: OK car, what's the story? I've lost my girlfriend and my job because of you. What do you want?

At this point, Betty pops up to be visible in the car, sees Jason looking, and hides again.

Jason: [visibly upset] What the hell? I knew it.

Jason runs out, and pounds on the car windows.

Jason: Get out here. What do you want?

Betty meekly gets out of the car, and faces Jason with her head down.

Jason: What are you doing? What do you want?

Betty: [looking up slowly] Will you go out with me?

Jason: What? Is that why you've been following me? [Betty gently nods] Oh, what the hell, I have nothing better to do. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. If I go out with you, will you stop following me. [Betty gently nods again.] OK, meet me at the coffee house at the corner at 6. And do something about your hair, I don't want to be seen in public with you looking like that.

Jason storms back in the house. Betty looks excited as she drives off.

Fade out, and transition to Jason sitting at the coffee house.

Betty walks in all dolled up, looking gorgeous, but still acting shy.

Betty: Hi.

Jason: Wow, you cleaned up well. Have a seat.

Betty: Thanks.

Jason: You look familiar. Have I seen you before?

Betty: I saw you at Tina's birthday party. You looked so good, but I didn't know what to say to you.

Jason: Wait, you were that creepy girl standing in the corner?

Betty: That's not very nice.

Jason: Well, you didn't look like you do now. You lost a lot of weight.

Betty: So you only like me now because I look better.

Jason: Well, yeah, you look great now.

Betty: I don't think I like you any more. [Gets up to leave]

Jason: Wait.

Betty: [walks out by the gray car] And I don't think I like this car anymore. TAXI!

Jason: Oh no, now what?

Fade to next scene.

Betty is walking down the street, still looking great. The gray car is now following her, and we can see Jason behind the wheel. Betty turns to look, and Jason stops the car and ducks. Betty shakes her head, and walks on. She approaches an un-named man, gives him a big hug, and they walk on, hand in hand, while the car continues to follow. Cue final music and credits.

Corporate Zombies - the first additions

2007-12-06T22:53:00.001-05:00

In the opening, lets change the email to be from a coworker:

Hey Bob,

I hear your class today is going to be a bunch of corporate zombies. Hopefully they are not as bad as these nerds:

[link where a group of old-school IBM looking people sing a corporate song]

Tom

I need to write a few lines of a corporate song that they can be singing. The singers in the video will be dressed like the zombies, only the white shirts and ties will look normal, and no zombie makeup. The same shirts will be used ripped up for the zombies.

And, to top it off, the zombies will be doing a "zombie hum" of the same song as they enter the classroom to sit down. And it will even be the same actors as the video, only in zombie makeup this time.

Now I need to listen to some Jonathan Coulton to get inspired for the corporate song. Wish me luck.

Corporate Zombies the rough draft

2007-12-01T01:25:00.000-05:00

Credits on screen with setting shot of modern corporate building.

Enter room, with Bob, the instructor sitting at his computer. Watch him open his email, then focus on the screen. The following email is on the screen:

From: Training Boss
To: Bob

Morning Bob,

You will be training a very important client. I know everyone says they are a bunch of corporate zombies, but they really need to learn the new computer system.

Good Luck,
The Boss

Camera moves to face the back of the room, where the corporate zombies start walking in, sit in front of the individual computers, and start making vague motions, and low grumbling sounds. Two of them wave clawed hands at each other with a zombie grunt of recognition.

Camera moves to Bob, who stands up to begin lecturing.

Bob: Good morning class. Today we are going to learn rinnco's new computer system. To begin, I'm going to ask each of you to login with the username and password I've written on the board.

The head zombie, Tom, gestures with his clawed hand to catch Bob's attention.

Bob: Is something not working Tom? Let me have a look.

Bob walks over to look at Tom's computer.

Bob: Look over here Tom, you have to click on the login prompt first.

Zombie Tom makes exaggerated 2-claw typing motions as he logs in.

Bob returns to the front of the class.

Bob: Anyone else?

Zombie #2 makes the same claw motion.

Bob walks over and points to Zombie #2's screen.

Bob: Just click right here and login.

Multiple zombies all make the same gesturing motion.

Bob: All of you? Don't you people have any brains?

Camera moves to Zombie Tom, who turns his head in the manner of a grotesque, curious dog.

Zombie Tom: Brains?

Zombie Tom then looks at the zombie next to him. They both nod their heads in agreement.

Zombie Tom and neighbor zombie in unison: Brains!

Camera moves to Bob, who is attempting to apologize.

Bob: Look, I'm sorry I lost my tempor, it's been a rough week.

Zombies converge around Bob, drowning out his apologizes.

Zombies in unison: Brains!

Bob disappears under a sea of zombies, as blood spurts out onto the crowd.

Fade to black.

Final Scene.

Opens to zombies 2 claw typing in unison. Camera moves to the back of the room, where the boss is standing in the doorway.

Boss: How's the new system working out everyone?

The zombies raise their thumbs in unison, while grunting their affirmation.

Fade to credits, while the Boss's voice is over the credits.

Boss: Where did Bob go? Did we lose another trainer?

Defending the Constitution

2007-11-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

When I swore into the Navy, I thought it was a big deal that I swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States of America. To me, that means I was defending not just the people of the USA, but it's ideals. Even though my service has long been over, I still feel that obligation.

With the political news these days, I'm not sure what that obligation means. It's obvious to many, like myself, that the current administrations actions do not uphold this standard. Unwarranted wiretapping and torturing of prisoners are definitely in violation of the Constitution, and who knows what else is being done.

In 2006, I felt my obligation meant I had to work for the Democratic party. But just today I see that Senator Feinstein is supporting the nomination of Michael Mukasey for Attorney General. Despite his ridiculous position on waterboarding.

So what does my oath mean now? I wrote to both of my Senators. Should I be out protesting? I really don't know. I remember shortly after 9/11 when a former CIA official talked about how giving up our freedoms to fight terrorists would mean we are no longer truly America any more. Are we at that point yet? I don't feel hopeful at this point.

Update to Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Problem

2007-10-03T18:57:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I missed this, but Ted Rall has taken the solution global:

http://www.gocomics.com/rallcom/2007/05/17/

The Real Rules for Happiness

2006-08-25T00:13:00.000-04:00

OK, you are my victim. I saw the BBC's 10 rules for happiness, and it put me in a strange mood. If you find any of this funny, don't blame me.

1. Plant something and nurture it. A rumor does the trick. Financial hijinks are good, affairs are better. Affairs with accountants are perfect.

2. Count your blessings, preferably by comparing to others. Picture a younger, more attractive co-worker, and count all the ways you are better than him/her. If you get stuck, imagining horrible growths on private body parts always helps.

3. Take time to talk. Make sure to always complain about your problems to someone with worse problems. Always complain about your finances to someone who makes less than half what you do, and bitch about your sex life to a single guy who hasn't had a date in months.

4. Phone a friend you haven't seen in a while, and tell them exactly why not. No matter how small the transgression, feel free to use words like "evil bitch" or "unredeemable bastard".

5. Steal yourself a treat everyday. Stealing a candy bar from someone's lunch is good, but a joy ride in the boss's BMW is better.

6. Have a good laugh at least once a day at someone else expense. Make sure to practice looking innocent first.

7. Get physical three times a week, even if you have to pay for it. But never underestimate the power of 2am beer goggles.

8. Smile and/or say hello to a stranger at least once a day. If you can do it before making them falling face first into the mall fountain, you get bonus points for doing #6 at the same time.

9. Cut your TV viewing in half. All the good porn is free on the internet anyway.

10 . Spread kindness by letting people know exactly what they should do to be happy. Tell them to work harder, dress better, and stop doing that thing you hate. Just don't tell them these rules.

Plan to Fight Stem Cell Research

2005-07-31T14:26:00.000-04:00

NOTE: Senator Bill Frist ruined this piece by actually agreeing to the new stem cell bill.

The current debate over stem cell research has caused many people to think hard about their beliefs concerning embryos. Some who are opposed to abortion are realizing that allowing frozen embryos to be used for research instead of being destroyed is in the greater good. Others are now realizing that those frozen embryos should be saved from destruction and adopted by others.

Those in Congress who have come to this conclusion have a new battle cry. “You, too, were an embryo once!” Representative Mike Ferguson(R-NJ) cried in Congress when a bill allowing more stem cell research was debated. Now that the bill has passed the house, it must find its way through the Senate.

Most observers have realized the Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) opposed the bill. Reports have said that Frist is not likely to allow the bill to be debated on the Senate floor. This would make it difficult, but not impossible, for a Senate bill to be passed. What the public does not know is what Frist plans to do next.

Close allies have revealed that the debate has opened the Senators eyes to the full scale of the problem. This idea of stored potential life has infuriated him. Not only does he want to see this destruction continue in any form.

“You were an egg once, too, you know. We must work to stop the wanton destruction of viable eggs in our lifetime.”

Frist has apparently been consulting medical researchers to find some way to preserve eggs before menstruation. A reproductive researcher who would not go on record stated that he thought within 3 years a safe over the counter (OTC) method could be found. The hardest parts are said to be determining ovulation accurately enough, and storing the eggs under household storage circumstances.

An anonymous source provided some details of Frist’s plans from the secret notes of a congressional aid. The first step will be to fund the research to retrieve and store eggs from young women. The Senator also plans to provide seed money for the OTC product to be sold in major pharmaceutical outlets.

Once the biological problems are solved, the Congress will have to take up the social problems. While the first few periods a young woman has are not believed to destroy viable eggs, the process will still have to be started fairly young. The plan expects that it will be possible to link federal education money to support for early education in egg harvesting.

To increase compliance, obviously legal penalties are the best options. The plan acknowledges that criminal punishment would be a hard sell, some kind of civil penalty might be an easier place to start. Perhaps it could start as a federal tax break.

Birth control pills were a possible sticking point mention in the notes. Since they stop menstruation, some might feel they are a viable alternative. The hope is that the research sponsored by the bill would also prove that birth control pills still cause long term damage to eggs.

With the right Supreme Court nominees, and these bills, the senator hopes to end all destruction of unborn life before he retires from Congress.

Painlock

2005-06-22T20:00:00.000-04:00

For a change of pace, here's a "screenplay" for a short commercial.

Opening on scenery with plants in the background, and sounds of birds. (Shot of hemlock if possible)

Nurse walks in.

Nurse: These days, people are looking for natural health care remedies. Natural diet aids, natural cold and flu releaf, even natural childbirth are very popular.

Switch to clinical environment, with pills on a table.

Nurse: Addiction to pain medicine is one reason people sometimes avoid prescription drugs. But many people find their pain does not respond to natural methods such as acupuncture. Instead of looking to ancient Chinese medicine, Painlock looks to ancient Greece to find a truely natural solution to pain.

Pan to patient strapped to a gurney.

Patient: Oh, the pain.

Nurse: Watch as Painlock solves this patients pain better than any modern drug. And with no chance of addiction.

Nurse puts pill in patients mouth, and forces him to swallow as if he were a dog.

Patient convulses violently against his straps, then stops and foams at the mouth.

Nurse: And the pain is gone.

Fade to nature scene. Display the following captions:

Painlock - stops your worst pains.

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

Side effects may include foaming at the mouth, martyrdom, and death.

Could This Be Real?

2005-06-05T20:12:00.000-04:00

I recently received the following email. Could this be for real?

Dear Mr. Rinn,

My name is Tim Jones. I am an accountant at Arthur Anderson. You may have recently heard our conviction for document destruction has been overturned. We are thrilled to be vindicated in this way.

But there’s a little problem that has come up. It turns out we might have been a little too zealous in destroying documents. We can’t find documentation for some of our customers who had bank accounts in the Cayman islands. With the upcoming legal changes in banking laws there, we need to get that money transferred out of those accounts.

In order to do that, we need an account in the US. Unfortunately, we do not have time to wait for our locked accounts to be freed up by the courts. That’s why I am offering you the chance to help us for a small percentage. We believe we will need to transfer over $200 million dollars through a US account. Our standard fee of 0.5% could net you $1 million or more.

In order to participate, please send your bank account information, including bank name, branch, account number, and online password, as well as your personal information, including physical address, phone number, and social security number. Once that information is sent to transfer@arthuranderson.com, expect to see the money transferred through your account in 5-7 business days.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Your partner,

Tim Jones

A New Category of Software

2005-05-18T02:17:00.000-04:00

Computer users are learning a virtual taxonomy of types of “bad” software. Viruses, worms, Trojan horses, adware and spyware are all becoming part of the regular vocabulary of computer users. Microsoft is now making a tool to detect and remove what it collectively calls “malware”. And Congress is even now trying to define exactly what “spyware” means in order to make it illegal.

As with many technical issues that become political issues, many people are fighting over the definition of the terms involved. In this case, companies making software addon’s like Weatherbug want to make sure they are not lumped in with the bad guys. But many IT professionals consider these programs to be part of the spyware problem.

Some types of spyware are obvious to everyone. When a program watches which web pages a user reads, and reports it as marketing research, almost everyone agrees it’s wrong. This type of spyware invades our privacy, often without our permission. And even when it gets our permission, it does so in the fine print of the License Agreement for other software.

Weatherbug is installed with software like AOL Instant Messenger. It displays current weather conditions and sends severe weather alerts. The only information about the user it displays is the user’s location, and even that is selected by the user. And the weather information is often the same that is displayed by web pages like Yahoo. So why do many people call it spyware?

In order to understand the problem, remember that in many cases, the best upgrade to speed up a machine is memory. When the total of the operating system and the applications in use exceeds the actual RAM installed on the system, the computer starts using the hard drive swap file as memory. The hard drive is far slower than RAM, hundreds to thousands of times slower depending on exactly how you measure it. So not having enough RAM for all your programs can slow a computer greatly.

The problem with programs like Weatherbug is they add more memory consumption, slowing your computer. And they do it without being asked, since they are installed with some other program you need. They can be uninstalled by a knowledgeable user, so they are extra work for an IT department to remove. Since they arrive secretly, and suck the speed from your computer, I have taken to calling them “vampire ware”.

They are not just a problem for inexperienced users. When I am traveling, I find playing Online Role Playing Games a good way to spend time with friends I can’t see face to face. Playing games on a laptop with limited memory means I had to remove everything I could. When I looked at my memory consumption, I saw that Real Audio’s Message Center was taking a noticeable chunk. But I could not find how to uninstall it. So I called their tech support, and was told there was no way to remove it without removing Real Audio itself. Which, of course, I did.

By uninstalling Real Audio, there are many web sites with video that I can’t watch. Many programs people rely on are starting to include “vampire ware”. Adobe’s Acrobat Reader’s new version requires you to install a toolbar from Yahoo. I can’t live without Acrobat Reader, but I’m hoping I can live without the new version until I find a way around it.

The current round of legislation against spyware is not going to stop this problem. These programs do not do things everyone agrees should be illegal, like invading privacy. Too many big companies are adding them, and they will be sure to educate Congress that their programs are different. Unfortunately, it will be difficult for market forces to stop companies like Real Audio and Adobe from abusing their position as market leaders. I’d like to think the title “vampire ware” might shame them into changing. More likely complaints from IT departments might be enough to convince them otherwise. At least by differentiating software that invades our privacy from software that drains our computers, maybe we have a chance to be rid of them both.

The Real Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Problem

2005-04-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

Many people have tried to propose solutions to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinian people. US Presidents have tried and failed to propose solutions. Many great thinkers in political science and government service have ruminated on the issues involved. Some even think the problem might be completely unsolvable. Certainly new thinking will be required.

Recently, it has been suggested that maybe some one from the private sector could provide the expertise that could make the difference. And, in fact, such a person might be ready to step up to the plate. Michael Eisner has announced that once he steps down from Disney, he will devote himself full time to helping the Israeli government resolve the issues peacefully.

“Many aspects of my experience at Disney will translate beautifully to keeping peace in the Middle East”, Mr. Eisner said at a press conference. “This will give me unprecedented access to leaders on both sides to show them how to coexist peacefully.”

His first order of business will be showing the Israeli government how to perform security in a more unobtrusive manner. “Disney theme parks are one of the safest places in the world. And yet no one notices most of the security there. While the Israeli government is also well known for security, there style is much too aggressive to be successful in the environment they must live in.”

While he did not discuss too many specifics, the issue of border crossings got special attention. “One of the major problems with a future Palestinian state is the potential partitioning cause by Israeli checkpoints. Currently, many Palestinian workers can expect to wait in line for hours simply to go to work. Instead of changing the Israeli borders, which has proved nearly impossible, we plan to adapt Fast Path technology from our theme parks to ensure the waits are minimal and allow workers to have a shorter commute than most Americans.”

At this point, many at the conference expressed concern that Fast Path might make it easier for known terrorists to cross the border. Apparently this had already been considered. “Many people don’t realize that the technology that we used at our theme parks to prevent people from giving their annual passes to others has a high enough reliability to detect terrorists and criminals as well. And since it uses simple biometrics, it is fast and most people don’t even realize they’ve been placed.”

“And instead of the intimidating image of the current Israeli police force, this will allow us to use an almost unseen force to watch over the borders. By treating the majority of border crossers as guests, and easily isolating the unwelcome, I feel this will allow the Palestinians to accept the current borders and still feel in control of their lives.”

Another major point of contention is the control of Jerusalem. Both Israel and PLO insist that the holy sites of Jerusalem must be under their control. This is possibly the most difficult and intractable dispute. And while Mr. Eisner could not give specifics, many felt this was the most ambitious part of his plan.

“Philosophers like Baudrillard have insisted corporate influences like Disney’s theme parks, movies, and TV have permanently changed reality. My plan is to put this to the test by allowing all religious groups to experience Jerusalem in their own way. I can’t reveal details yet, and some will remain classified. But I feel this is the only way to placate all sides. And perhaps even make Jerusalem more inviting for Christians as well.”

Finally, an American style advertising campaign was announced. “Disney characters are beloved world wide, including both sides of this conflict. My successor has agreed to a licensing plan that will allow the new changes to be explained in a way both sides can understand. It’s time for Mickey Mouse to be an agent for peace.”

Why I'm Here - A Warning

2005-04-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

This blog is really here because I need practice writing. I'm planning to apply to law school, and the LSAT includes an essay that has to be written in 30 minutes. And I figured by making it a blog, it would be easier to let friends and family critique my writing.

So expect the worst from this blog. I'm sure it will include grandstanding, vanity writing, fatuous statements, and everything else you expect from a blog. I also expect to randomly offend people, which is why I'm writing from an alias. I have also used this alias in computer games, but I doubt any of my fellow players will find this.

Let's be straight, the odds are no one will read this anyway. This first entry is nothing more than my silly egotistical dream that someone will find this blog and find it amusing. And of course they will offer me a high paying job, so I won't even have to go to law school at all. (Why dream small?)

But now you've been warned, so I'm off the hook. Let the inane postings begin.