Plan to Fight Stem Cell Research

NOTE: Senator Bill Frist ruined this piece by actually agreeing to the new stem cell bill.

The current debate over stem cell research has caused many people to think hard about their beliefs concerning embryos. Some who are opposed to abortion are realizing that allowing frozen embryos to be used for research instead of being destroyed is in the greater good. Others are now realizing that those frozen embryos should be saved from destruction and adopted by others.

Those in Congress who have come to this conclusion have a new battle cry. “You, too, were an embryo once!” Representative Mike Ferguson(R-NJ) cried in Congress when a bill allowing more stem cell research was debated. Now that the bill has passed the house, it must find its way through the Senate.

Most observers have realized the Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) opposed the bill. Reports have said that Frist is not likely to allow the bill to be debated on the Senate floor. This would make it difficult, but not impossible, for a Senate bill to be passed. What the public does not know is what Frist plans to do next.

Close allies have revealed that the debate has opened the Senators eyes to the full scale of the problem. This idea of stored potential life has infuriated him. Not only does he want to see this destruction continue in any form.

“You were an egg once, too, you know. We must work to stop the wanton destruction of viable eggs in our lifetime.”

Frist has apparently been consulting medical researchers to find some way to preserve eggs before menstruation. A reproductive researcher who would not go on record stated that he thought within 3 years a safe over the counter (OTC) method could be found. The hardest parts are said to be determining ovulation accurately enough, and storing the eggs under household storage circumstances.

An anonymous source provided some details of Frist’s plans from the secret notes of a congressional aid. The first step will be to fund the research to retrieve and store eggs from young women. The Senator also plans to provide seed money for the OTC product to be sold in major pharmaceutical outlets.

Once the biological problems are solved, the Congress will have to take up the social problems. While the first few periods a young woman has are not believed to destroy viable eggs, the process will still have to be started fairly young. The plan expects that it will be possible to link federal education money to support for early education in egg harvesting.

To increase compliance, obviously legal penalties are the best options. The plan acknowledges that criminal punishment would be a hard sell, some kind of civil penalty might be an easier place to start. Perhaps it could start as a federal tax break.

Birth control pills were a possible sticking point mention in the notes. Since they stop menstruation, some might feel they are a viable alternative. The hope is that the research sponsored by the bill would also prove that birth control pills still cause long term damage to eggs.

With the right Supreme Court nominees, and these bills, the senator hopes to end all destruction of unborn life before he retires from Congress.

Painlock

For a change of pace, here's a "screenplay" for a short commercial.

Opening on scenery with plants in the background, and sounds of birds. (Shot of hemlock if possible)

Nurse walks in.

Nurse: These days, people are looking for natural health care remedies. Natural diet aids, natural cold and flu releaf, even natural childbirth are very popular.

Switch to clinical environment, with pills on a table.

Nurse: Addiction to pain medicine is one reason people sometimes avoid prescription drugs. But many people find their pain does not respond to natural methods such as acupuncture. Instead of looking to ancient Chinese medicine, Painlock looks to ancient Greece to find a truely natural solution to pain.

Pan to patient strapped to a gurney.

Patient: Oh, the pain.

Nurse: Watch as Painlock solves this patients pain better than any modern drug. And with no chance of addiction.

Nurse puts pill in patients mouth, and forces him to swallow as if he were a dog.

Patient convulses violently against his straps, then stops and foams at the mouth.

Nurse: And the pain is gone.

Fade to nature scene. Display the following captions:

Painlock - stops your worst pains.

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

Side effects may include foaming at the mouth, martyrdom, and death.

Could This Be Real?

I recently received the following email. Could this be for real?

Dear Mr. Rinn,

My name is Tim Jones. I am an accountant at Arthur Anderson. You may have recently heard our conviction for document destruction has been overturned. We are thrilled to be vindicated in this way.

But there’s a little problem that has come up. It turns out we might have been a little too zealous in destroying documents. We can’t find documentation for some of our customers who had bank accounts in the Cayman islands. With the upcoming legal changes in banking laws there, we need to get that money transferred out of those accounts.

In order to do that, we need an account in the US. Unfortunately, we do not have time to wait for our locked accounts to be freed up by the courts. That’s why I am offering you the chance to help us for a small percentage. We believe we will need to transfer over $200 million dollars through a US account. Our standard fee of 0.5% could net you $1 million or more.

In order to participate, please send your bank account information, including bank name, branch, account number, and online password, as well as your personal information, including physical address, phone number, and social security number. Once that information is sent to transfer@arthuranderson.com, expect to see the money transferred through your account in 5-7 business days.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Your partner,

Tim Jones

A New Category of Software

Computer users are learning a virtual taxonomy of types of “bad” software. Viruses, worms, Trojan horses, adware and spyware are all becoming part of the regular vocabulary of computer users. Microsoft is now making a tool to detect and remove what it collectively calls “malware”. And Congress is even now trying to define exactly what “spyware” means in order to make it illegal.

As with many technical issues that become political issues, many people are fighting over the definition of the terms involved. In this case, companies making software addon’s like Weatherbug want to make sure they are not lumped in with the bad guys. But many IT professionals consider these programs to be part of the spyware problem.

Some types of spyware are obvious to everyone. When a program watches which web pages a user reads, and reports it as marketing research, almost everyone agrees it’s wrong. This type of spyware invades our privacy, often without our permission. And even when it gets our permission, it does so in the fine print of the License Agreement for other software.

Weatherbug is installed with software like AOL Instant Messenger. It displays current weather conditions and sends severe weather alerts. The only information about the user it displays is the user’s location, and even that is selected by the user. And the weather information is often the same that is displayed by web pages like Yahoo. So why do many people call it spyware?

In order to understand the problem, remember that in many cases, the best upgrade to speed up a machine is memory. When the total of the operating system and the applications in use exceeds the actual RAM installed on the system, the computer starts using the hard drive swap file as memory. The hard drive is far slower than RAM, hundreds to thousands of times slower depending on exactly how you measure it. So not having enough RAM for all your programs can slow a computer greatly.

The problem with programs like Weatherbug is they add more memory consumption, slowing your computer. And they do it without being asked, since they are installed with some other program you need. They can be uninstalled by a knowledgeable user, so they are extra work for an IT department to remove. Since they arrive secretly, and suck the speed from your computer, I have taken to calling them “vampire ware”.

They are not just a problem for inexperienced users. When I am traveling, I find playing Online Role Playing Games a good way to spend time with friends I can’t see face to face. Playing games on a laptop with limited memory means I had to remove everything I could. When I looked at my memory consumption, I saw that Real Audio’s Message Center was taking a noticeable chunk. But I could not find how to uninstall it. So I called their tech support, and was told there was no way to remove it without removing Real Audio itself. Which, of course, I did.

By uninstalling Real Audio, there are many web sites with video that I can’t watch. Many programs people rely on are starting to include “vampire ware”. Adobe’s Acrobat Reader’s new version requires you to install a toolbar from Yahoo. I can’t live without Acrobat Reader, but I’m hoping I can live without the new version until I find a way around it.

The current round of legislation against spyware is not going to stop this problem. These programs do not do things everyone agrees should be illegal, like invading privacy. Too many big companies are adding them, and they will be sure to educate Congress that their programs are different. Unfortunately, it will be difficult for market forces to stop companies like Real Audio and Adobe from abusing their position as market leaders. I’d like to think the title “vampire ware” might shame them into changing. More likely complaints from IT departments might be enough to convince them otherwise. At least by differentiating software that invades our privacy from software that drains our computers, maybe we have a chance to be rid of them both.

The Real Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Problem

Many people have tried to propose solutions to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinian people. US Presidents have tried and failed to propose solutions. Many great thinkers in political science and government service have ruminated on the issues involved. Some even think the problem might be completely unsolvable. Certainly new thinking will be required.

Recently, it has been suggested that maybe some one from the private sector could provide the expertise that could make the difference. And, in fact, such a person might be ready to step up to the plate. Michael Eisner has announced that once he steps down from Disney, he will devote himself full time to helping the Israeli government resolve the issues peacefully.

“Many aspects of my experience at Disney will translate beautifully to keeping peace in the Middle East”, Mr. Eisner said at a press conference. “This will give me unprecedented access to leaders on both sides to show them how to coexist peacefully.”

His first order of business will be showing the Israeli government how to perform security in a more unobtrusive manner. “Disney theme parks are one of the safest places in the world. And yet no one notices most of the security there. While the Israeli government is also well known for security, there style is much too aggressive to be successful in the environment they must live in.”

While he did not discuss too many specifics, the issue of border crossings got special attention. “One of the major problems with a future Palestinian state is the potential partitioning cause by Israeli checkpoints. Currently, many Palestinian workers can expect to wait in line for hours simply to go to work. Instead of changing the Israeli borders, which has proved nearly impossible, we plan to adapt Fast Path technology from our theme parks to ensure the waits are minimal and allow workers to have a shorter commute than most Americans.”

At this point, many at the conference expressed concern that Fast Path might make it easier for known terrorists to cross the border. Apparently this had already been considered. “Many people don’t realize that the technology that we used at our theme parks to prevent people from giving their annual passes to others has a high enough reliability to detect terrorists and criminals as well. And since it uses simple biometrics, it is fast and most people don’t even realize they’ve been placed.”

“And instead of the intimidating image of the current Israeli police force, this will allow us to use an almost unseen force to watch over the borders. By treating the majority of border crossers as guests, and easily isolating the unwelcome, I feel this will allow the Palestinians to accept the current borders and still feel in control of their lives.”

Another major point of contention is the control of Jerusalem. Both Israel and PLO insist that the holy sites of Jerusalem must be under their control. This is possibly the most difficult and intractable dispute. And while Mr. Eisner could not give specifics, many felt this was the most ambitious part of his plan.

“Philosophers like Baudrillard have insisted corporate influences like Disney’s theme parks, movies, and TV have permanently changed reality. My plan is to put this to the test by allowing all religious groups to experience Jerusalem in their own way. I can’t reveal details yet, and some will remain classified. But I feel this is the only way to placate all sides. And perhaps even make Jerusalem more inviting for Christians as well.”

Finally, an American style advertising campaign was announced. “Disney characters are beloved world wide, including both sides of this conflict. My successor has agreed to a licensing plan that will allow the new changes to be explained in a way both sides can understand. It’s time for Mickey Mouse to be an agent for peace.”

Why I'm Here - A Warning

This blog is really here because I need practice writing. I'm planning to apply to law school, and the LSAT includes an essay that has to be written in 30 minutes. And I figured by making it a blog, it would be easier to let friends and family critique my writing.

So expect the worst from this blog. I'm sure it will include grandstanding, vanity writing, fatuous statements, and everything else you expect from a blog. I also expect to randomly offend people, which is why I'm writing from an alias. I have also used this alias in computer games, but I doubt any of my fellow players will find this.

Let's be straight, the odds are no one will read this anyway. This first entry is nothing more than my silly egotistical dream that someone will find this blog and find it amusing. And of course they will offer me a high paying job, so I won't even have to go to law school at all. (Why dream small?)

But now you've been warned, so I'm off the hook. Let the inane postings begin.