Painlock

For a change of pace, here's a "screenplay" for a short commercial.

Opening on scenery with plants in the background, and sounds of birds. (Shot of hemlock if possible)

Nurse walks in.

Nurse: These days, people are looking for natural health care remedies. Natural diet aids, natural cold and flu releaf, even natural childbirth are very popular.

Switch to clinical environment, with pills on a table.

Nurse: Addiction to pain medicine is one reason people sometimes avoid prescription drugs. But many people find their pain does not respond to natural methods such as acupuncture. Instead of looking to ancient Chinese medicine, Painlock looks to ancient Greece to find a truely natural solution to pain.

Pan to patient strapped to a gurney.

Patient: Oh, the pain.

Nurse: Watch as Painlock solves this patients pain better than any modern drug. And with no chance of addiction.

Nurse puts pill in patients mouth, and forces him to swallow as if he were a dog.

Patient convulses violently against his straps, then stops and foams at the mouth.

Nurse: And the pain is gone.

Fade to nature scene. Display the following captions:

Painlock - stops your worst pains.

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

Side effects may include foaming at the mouth, martyrdom, and death.

Could This Be Real?

I recently received the following email. Could this be for real?

Dear Mr. Rinn,

My name is Tim Jones. I am an accountant at Arthur Anderson. You may have recently heard our conviction for document destruction has been overturned. We are thrilled to be vindicated in this way.

But there’s a little problem that has come up. It turns out we might have been a little too zealous in destroying documents. We can’t find documentation for some of our customers who had bank accounts in the Cayman islands. With the upcoming legal changes in banking laws there, we need to get that money transferred out of those accounts.

In order to do that, we need an account in the US. Unfortunately, we do not have time to wait for our locked accounts to be freed up by the courts. That’s why I am offering you the chance to help us for a small percentage. We believe we will need to transfer over $200 million dollars through a US account. Our standard fee of 0.5% could net you $1 million or more.

In order to participate, please send your bank account information, including bank name, branch, account number, and online password, as well as your personal information, including physical address, phone number, and social security number. Once that information is sent to transfer@arthuranderson.com, expect to see the money transferred through your account in 5-7 business days.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Your partner,

Tim Jones