OK, you are my victim. I saw the BBC's 10 rules for happiness, and it put me in a strange mood. If you find any of this funny, don't blame me.
1. Plant something and nurture it. A rumor does the trick. Financial hijinks are good, affairs are better. Affairs with accountants are perfect.
2. Count your blessings, preferably by comparing to others. Picture a younger, more attractive co-worker, and count all the ways you are better than him/her. If you get stuck, imagining horrible growths on private body parts always helps.
3. Take time to talk. Make sure to always complain about your problems to someone with worse problems. Always complain about your finances to someone who makes less than half what you do, and bitch about your sex life to a single guy who hasn't had a date in months.
4. Phone a friend you haven't seen in a while, and tell them exactly why not. No matter how small the transgression, feel free to use words like "evil bitch" or "unredeemable bastard".
5. Steal yourself a treat everyday. Stealing a candy bar from someone's lunch is good, but a joy ride in the boss's BMW is better.
6. Have a good laugh at least once a day at someone else expense. Make sure to practice looking innocent first.
7. Get physical three times a week, even if you have to pay for it. But never underestimate the power of 2am beer goggles.
8. Smile and/or say hello to a stranger at least once a day. If you can do it before making them falling face first into the mall fountain, you get bonus points for doing #6 at the same time.
9. Cut your TV viewing in half. All the good porn is free on the internet anyway.
10 . Spread kindness by letting people know exactly what they should do to be happy. Tell them to work harder, dress better, and stop doing that thing you hate. Just don't tell them these rules.
1. Plant something and nurture it. A rumor does the trick. Financial hijinks are good, affairs are better. Affairs with accountants are perfect.
2. Count your blessings, preferably by comparing to others. Picture a younger, more attractive co-worker, and count all the ways you are better than him/her. If you get stuck, imagining horrible growths on private body parts always helps.
3. Take time to talk. Make sure to always complain about your problems to someone with worse problems. Always complain about your finances to someone who makes less than half what you do, and bitch about your sex life to a single guy who hasn't had a date in months.
4. Phone a friend you haven't seen in a while, and tell them exactly why not. No matter how small the transgression, feel free to use words like "evil bitch" or "unredeemable bastard".
5. Steal yourself a treat everyday. Stealing a candy bar from someone's lunch is good, but a joy ride in the boss's BMW is better.
6. Have a good laugh at least once a day at someone else expense. Make sure to practice looking innocent first.
7. Get physical three times a week, even if you have to pay for it. But never underestimate the power of 2am beer goggles.
8. Smile and/or say hello to a stranger at least once a day. If you can do it before making them falling face first into the mall fountain, you get bonus points for doing #6 at the same time.
9. Cut your TV viewing in half. All the good porn is free on the internet anyway.
10 . Spread kindness by letting people know exactly what they should do to be happy. Tell them to work harder, dress better, and stop doing that thing you hate. Just don't tell them these rules.
